Thirteen: Preparing for Surgery

Dickinsons at the Smith River

Now that we knew surgery was imminent, we started preparing for it. My own list included getting an audio tape from Kaiser that I had read about on their website, called “Preparing for Surgery.” Dan needed to get the disability form to his work, but only when we had a firm surgery date, so that paperwork hung over us. He would need to complete his medical directive, which he was putting off, as if doing so would put off the surgery. He wanted to add me to his checking account so that in case anything happened to him, I could have access to his funds there. I wanted to get a robe for him, so that when he came home for recuperation he would be comfortable. We had to buy many bags of cat litter because afterwards, he wouldn’t be able to lift anything for a while. I also put on my list completing my own medical directive. Dan was supposed to give me the forms for his work for the doctor to sign upon discharge from the hospital.

Dan proclaimed himself “at peace” with the idea of surgery. I was glad for that. But I had my own experience with it, more like a roller coaster. The weird slowing of time which we experienced the first few weeks had gone, and time was more its usual self now. We were out of our skins and minds, overwhelmed, and in disbelief. Then denial. These were similar colors in a spectrum. I went back and forth between the two, even after canceling the bookings for our trip, researching online to see if anything was still available, thinking, hey, let’s go. It was hard to accept, not going on the trip. My mind also went in the direction of how it was too bad Dan didn’t have a PPO health plan so he could choose Dr. Varma and UCSF, pay the 20% or whatever it was, and try the resection, since she offered it.

I couldn’t reconcile my feelings about Dr. Dixon with the idea of anyone operating on Dan. If Dr. Goetz was doing it, I would have a warmer feeling. Yes it was a technical procedure, was the same, no matter who did it., but my wanting extended in all directions, with all nuances. I wanted to protect him. I was thankful that Pete, Dan’s brother would be with us, which would make it possible that Dan had as much attention as he needed and deserved at the hospital.

l dreaded dysfunction, the challenges ahead. I told him so many times how I was there, I loved him, how I wanted to be here and no where else, and how I would always be with him.